The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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