What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize