Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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