I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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