You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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