Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
