oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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