Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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