I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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