the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
