My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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