and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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