So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
