You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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