he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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