I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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