I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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