Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
