I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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