like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
