So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
