Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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