One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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