I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
