I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
