i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
