I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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