Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
soo... how was my night?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
