then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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