3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
