he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
