after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Sorry about my life...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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