either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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