everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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