My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
