He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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