Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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