Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
