Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
