Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
