I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
