I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
