How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
