Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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