Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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