Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
