I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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