Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
