i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
And then the night went full on bisexual.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
