Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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