He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I could make wine with my vomit
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
