and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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