I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
