I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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