if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
