I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
