I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
