The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
