you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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