yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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