Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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