I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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