i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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