he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
